How to Move On From Family Estrangement: 5 Ways to Heal Your Heart (2024)

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Do you want to know how to move on from family estrangement? I understand all too well the pain and isolation you are feeling.

Many of you are hurting deeply because of something a family member did to you, and you think it will never be the same.

Sadly, you hardly talk anymore. Perhaps you are even estranged. When this happens, no one wins.

RELATED: Check out this post in Woman’s World magazine by Kristina Mastrocola called “ 6 Ways to Mend a Family Rift and Find Connection, Love, and Harmony.” It features my book, plus a few comments about family estrangement!

I am one of many adult children who chose to break off the relationship with not only my parents but my whole family. My husband, children, and I became estranged about ten years ago.

After seven years apart, God intervened miraculously and brought us back together.

Looking from the outside, you would never think this would happen to my family or me. We were the model family—a prominent, well-known Christian family in Dallas, Texas, with deep roots in the restaurant business, real estate, and then ministry.

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Yes, Christian ministry. Family estrangement can happen to anyone, even Christians who love Jesus. The good news is that you don’t have to stay stuck. You can move out of your pain and heal your heart.

If you want to know how to move on from family estrangement, let’s first look at some of the facts surrounding it.

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How Common Is Parental Estrangement?

You might be wondering how common parental estrangement is in Christian families. It’s more common than you think, yet no one talks about it.

There is so much shame and embarrassment because we know better as believers. You may be struggling with the fact that a Christian could even be living in estrangement at all.

I’ll let you in on a secret. I became estranged because there are no perfect families, and there certainly are no perfect Christians. Oddly enough, when I started talking to other believers, I found many other people had family problems just like me.

I wasn’t alone after all.

I had felt so alone for many years. Satan kept telling me no one else understood and that I wasn’t even a Christian because I couldn’t get along with my parents. Furthermore, I kept thinking I might go to hell because we were estranged.

Satan is a liar. And he had me caught in a web of lies.

God loves you, no matter where you are in the process. And let me tell you, you are not alone by a long shot.

There is hope. You can learn how to move on from family estrangement, even if it seems hopeless.

RELATED:How to Deal with Difficult Family Members and Overcome Hurt

Get your FREE WHO I AM IN CHRIST PRINTABLE and reinforce who you are in Christ.

What Causes Family Estrangement?

There are many reasons families grow apart. Before you can learn how to move on from family estrangement, let’s discuss what is happening in your family:

1. Addiction

Both adult children or parents can get caught in the terrible trap of addiction. Sadly, it is ripping our families apart. Alcohol, drugs, and sexual dysfunction seem to be just some of the culprits.

When your loved one is more interested in medicating pain, it is hard to have a meaningful relationship.

2. Mental Illness

Mental illness or personality disorder is another common factor in broken family relationships. Families don’t know how to help their loved ones since they are adults.

We often sweep the bad behavior under the rug and just excuse it as part of their personality.

Meanwhile, everyone tip-toes around, hoping not to trigger a tantrum until they get tired of it. They decide to walk away because it is easier than continuing to appease, apologize, and jump through more hoops.

See also When Family Members Stop Speaking to You: 3 Things You Lose

We are exhausted and mentally can’t take it any longer.

Mental illness will keep you from knowing how to move on from family estrangement.

3. Abuse

Abuse can come in many shapes and forms. Each type of abuse –physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, and sexual–is painful and not to be ignored. In many cases, the abuser will deny any bad behavior and blame the victim. It can make a person feel crazy.

Other times, an abuser will admit guilt but refuse to move toward change. Moreover, sometimes change is promised only to conveniently “forget” and then keep repeating the abuse. Sadly, there is a vicious cycle of apologies and then more abuse.

Abuse is a broad path with many avenues. All forms have to stop.

4. Economic Control

Parents often use money to keep their adult children within their sphere. It is a way to control them and maintain a foothold in their lives. This becomes even more complicated when there is a family business. When money is involved, people tend to act differently.

In the Bible, Abraham and Lot had money issues because their flocks were together. Eventually, they had to separate to keep their relationships intact.

Abraham realized that relationships were more important than money. That is a good lesson to remember if you want to know how to move on from family estrangement.

5. Holiday Stress

Young parents are often pushed and pulled to appear at everyone’s house during the holidays. This causes incredible stress, especially for little kids who miss nap times and are overstimulated with travel, people, and food.

Over the years, the parents have been afraid to speak up to their extended family and tell them they are miserable.

Moreover, they want to stay home and enjoy their family and rest. Unfortunately, they are scared to talk to their extended family and tell them the truth.

Then, a situation blows up one day, and the young couple is done. Instead of working out a reasonable schedule, they decide not to return. Be flexible if you want to know how to move on from a family estrangement.

RELATED:Estranged From Family at the Holidays: 7 Tips When You Feel Alone

6. Parental Alienation

Parental alienation is when a child is forced to break a relationship with another family member due to the adults not getting along.

In my family, it happened when my grandfather disowned my dad. Therefore, I automatically became estranged from my grandparents.

Unfortunately, kids are forced to take sides, sometimes for life, even though they have nothing to do with the relationship breakdown. It is hard to know how to move on from family estrangement when forced to leave against your will.

7. Sexual Choices

There are many stories of families who split because the adult child has chosen a life of sexual immorality, whether it is sex outside of marriage with the opposite sex or an alternate lifestyle.

In all my research, I have never read a story where estrangement brought an adult child back to a heart of repentance.

If you have rejected or even disowned your adult child because you think this is going to change him, I ask you to reconsider.

You can not control a person and expect him to feel loved or want to return to you when your love is conditional.

You can hate the sin and still love the sinner. You may have to set firm boundaries. This is how to move on from family estrangement.

Dealing with marriage or family issues? Purchase your ebook or paperback onAmazonor buyMarriage Interrupted orEstranged at your favorite digital store.

How Do You Deal With Family Estrangement?

Here are some estrangement solutions you may not have thought about trying. This is what I did to find hope and healing even while I was still away from my family:

1. Pray

You may not see results right away, but prayer works. Let God show you how to pray.

He showed me how to start praying for my parents. Yep, it was hard at first, but it broke the anger. Prayer is how I reconciled with my parents and the whole family.

Prayer is how to move on from family estrangement and get healing.

RELATED:7 Powerful Ways to Increase Your War Room Prayer Strategy

2. Fast

If you want to speed up things, then fast.

I fasted and prayed on Tuesday and Wednesday, and my dad called two days later, on Friday. He had no idea I had fasted. It was miraculous.

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After seven years, God moved, and my prayer was answered. I prayed for God to talk to my dad in a dream, and He DID! It’s a great story.

If you want to know how to move on from family estrangement, fast.

3. Work On Yourself

You can’t change anyone but yourself. You probably believe the other party is at fault, not you. I ask you to examine your heart. Do you harbor unforgiveness, feel hate, or bitterness?

Are you retaliating? Then, there are things you can do to heal.

This is how to move on from family estrangement.

4. Forgive

Your part may be nothing more than to forgive. Don’t discount this step. It is everything. There will never be real healing without forgiveness. I had to work on this the most while I was away.

It doesn’t matter how bad your situation is; it can be forgiven. That doesn’t mean you have to go back and reconcile.

Forgiveness is how to move on from family estrangement. It takes only you to do it; reconciliation is earned and takes two people. Forgiveness is not earned, nor is it deserved.

Unfortunately, most people don’t realize that they put themselves in prison when they don’t forgive. It is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness is for you and your relationship with God. It is how to move on from family estrangement.

RELATED:Supercharge Your Life When You Forgive Those Who Hurt You

5. Get Help

If you can’t work through the issues and completely forgive, you may need someone to help you learn how to move on from family estrangement.

Find a counselor, a pastor, or someone qualified to help you process your situation. Some churches even offer support groups.

If you stay stuck, you poison yourself. Be courageous and leave your comfort zone to deal with your pain.

How Do You Heal Family Estrangement?

If you want to move on from family estrangement, address the lies.

If you are like me, you may have a bad tape running through your head (lies) and need healing not just from estrangement but healing in general. Do you say things to yourself like:

No one loves me, not even my family.
I am worthless.
I can’t do anything right.
I can’t change.
I am always going to feel this way.
I can’t stop the anger.
I can’t forgive.
They hurt me, and I am going to make them pay.
No one understands me.

Sadly, these are familiar words we tell ourselves. And they are destructive. The way to heal from your family estrangement is to:

1. Reprograming your mind is how to move on from family estrangement

I created notecards with specific scriptures that reinforced what God says about me. I said them over and over for months to heal my heart.

I still say these things to myself when that bad tape in my head gets activated. This is part of how to move on from family estrangement.

RELATED:How to Stop Negative Self-Talk: 7 Tips to Believe the Truth

Get your FREE DO NOT FEAR SCRIPTURE CARDS PDF and change your thinking about your family situation!

2. Worshipping is how to move on from family estrangement

I have found worship music to be one of the greatest ways on how to move on from family estrangement.

Worship takes my mind off of the problems and puts them where it belongs–on God. I have found the group Hillsong to be compelling worship music.

It is one of the best tools for spiritual warfare.

3. Setting boundaries is how to move on from family estrangement

When I returned, one of the best things I did was set healthy boundaries with my parents. I realized they were not mind-readers.

They needed me to communicate with them about what was important and okay. They have done an excellent job listening to me, as I have to them.

It’s not like all the problems disappeared after reconnecting with family after years of being away. However, I will say many of our family problems have been resolved. We don’t expect perfection from each other; just honesty, grace, and forgiveness.

This is how to move on from family estrangement.

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See also How to Set Boundaries with Family Members the Right Way

How To Move On From Family Estrangement

These four principles, plus my fifth addition, are how to move on from family estrangement. I have them written on one of my notecards and have said them out loud many times to help reinforce them.

June Hunt says this is how to move on from family estrangement by doing these things:

Release the right to hear “I’m sorry” for the offense.
Release the right to dwell on the offense
Release the right to hold onto the offense.
Release the right to keep bringing up the offense.
My addition: pray and fast for those who have hurt you

When I first read this, I thought June Hunt had lost her marbles. I kept looking for a typo or an exception. This didn’t sound feasible or even fair.

However, I knew her testimony and how she had moved on from family estrangement into an entire life of ministry as a counselor.

In faith, I started practicing these concepts. Thankfully, June Hunt was right.

It worked. It’s better than I thought.

I also started praying and fasting. This really helped me to forgive and move on with my life. Forgiveness focuses on the offense; reconciliation focuses on the relationship.

You don’t have to reconcile to forgive, although I highly recommend it, if possible.

Sadly, it’s not always possible to reconcile because your family members are too toxic.

That’s okay.

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Reconnecting With Family After Years of Estrangement

I pray for you to reconnect with your family. With God’s grace, you can return even years later.

My estrangement lasted seven years. It was a long time, but God was working through it all. Now that I look back, I can see his hand.

At the time, it seemed like nothing was happening. But God was definitely working on both sides. Check out my book for the complete story. It’s incredible how God moved!

I hope my story will help you with how to move on from family estrangement. With God’s help, you can recover from a broken relationship. Just be willing to follow what He wants you to do.

RELATED: Check out this Woman’s World magazine post, “6 Ways to Mend a Family Rift and Find Connection, Love, and Harmony.” I am a contributor to the article. What an honor!

Do you have tips on how to move on from family estrangement? Comment below.

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Got Family Problems? There is Help and Hope!

Are you struggling with family issues that have resulted in a family rift or a family estrangement? Are you feeling a sense of shame, anger, or rejection? Check out my bookEstranged: Finding Hope When Your Family Falls ApartonAmazonor at your favoritedigital store.

In it, I share my own experience of a seven-year estrangement from my Christian family and how we eventually reconciled. Furthermore, I provide practical advice to help you navigate your family issues. Don’t let the pain of estrangement hold you back.

Allow God to assist you in healing, no matter what has happened within your family. Remember, there is always hope to be found, even when things seem to be falling apart.

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